While I’ve been thinking about my mixed feelings towards structure and routine, this felt like the right time to really dig into it. That fresh start feeling of a new year has the perfect revamp my lifestyle energy. Especially after the holidays where any routines I might have had fell by the wayside weeks or even months ago. By this time, I’m living in chaos and kind of loving it. But also, really hating it. On the one hand I can’t deal with a monotonous life. Doing the same thing, living the same day over and over again feels like a slow death. On the other hand, I know living with structure and routine keeps me stable and on track, which eventually leads to a happier life. I know there’s a middle ground, a manageable compromise between the two extremes. But it’s a struggle to find and even harder to maintain.
Falling into Chaos
I started as a young people pleaser, basking in the attention I got for doing well in school. I was a sensitive kid that just wanted everyone to like me and be happy. I would do whatever I could to make that happen at home and in school. I tried to be perfect, thinking it would make me happy. Of course it didn’t and the disappointment grew to resentment. When I stopped trying so hard, it was easy to let chaos take over. By my teens I learned how to keep up appearances while behind the scenes my life was a hot mess. If I could manage to impress teachers, keep up high grades and work part-time why bother to be better.
Attending college straight out of high school didn’t work out as expected. It might have been humbling if I’d really put in an effort. But I didn’t care, college was just one more hurdle and classes felt like a waste of time. I was more interested in living life, having fun, making the most of my time. But skipping classes because I was up late or out drinking all weekend didn’t do my grades any favors. I ended my first year on academic probation. I had every intention of getting my act together my sophomore year. But intentions and actions are two different things. I wasn’t interested in pulling myself together. It was easier not to try, and I didn’t know if it would make me any happier. I trusted in what I knew would bring momentary satisfaction and fun. Only a couple months in, I decided to drop out at the end of the semester.
Time and a Place for Everything
I think of the years between dropping out and going back to school as “The Wasted Years.” Not so much because I feel like the time was wasted–I definitely was–I just don’t have much to show for it. While the time may not have been well spent, it was necessary. I’d always planned on going back to school but first I needed to find motivation beyond what other people expected of me. The reason my second go round at school was successful was because I was invested in doing well for my own pleasure and satisfaction.
Going back to school changed my life in ways I didn’t expect. Most importantly, it established order when things felt most out of control. My life drama had to take a backseat to the demands of school and a full-time job. I might have only been taking a couple classes a semester, but it put me on a tight schedule. The longer I was in school, the easier it became to rein in the chaos I’d grown accustomed to. When I lost my full-time job, I scrambled to fill my time. I often worked multiple part-time jobs and random gigs. Eventually, I found myself back in school fulltime. I didn’t realize it then, but the strict schedule and steady routines had become comforting. But I never quite left the feeling of chaos behind. It lingered in small but noticeable ways. But it wasn’t an overwhelming characteristic of my life. Instead, it was more of a controlled chaos.
What Now?
I now know the key is finding the right balance to keep from being bored while sticking to regular routines. Yet knowing is only half the battle. During my college years it wasn’t something I intentionally did, it was inevitable. Between work, classes and semester schedule changes, I didn’t get a chance to be bored. No two days were the same, but there was a steady rhythm. That’s where I’m stuck right now, trying to work out how to establish that balance. But instead, I keep teetering back and forth too far in each direction. I’m probably trying too hard to find a single simple solution that doesn’t exist. I want to think the answer is control, finding the perfect systems and routines to keep my chaos in check. But there is no controlling life, maybe I’ll just trying to let go. If I trust in my chaos it might just lead to order.