Who Else has Commitment issues?

It’s not hard to trace the roots of my commitment issues. I grew up in a family full of split up couples, my parents divorced when I was a teen, one grandfather had at least four ex-wives, and I never knew the other. I could go on but you get the picture. This obviously made its mark on my love life demonstrated by a long string of ill fated non-relationships. But my fear of commitment doesn’t stop there.

I see it in my somewhat random work history. I never really stuck with a specific job or particular industry, hopping from bookkeeping to security to data entry to waitressing from the food industry to nonprofits to random gigs everywhere between. I always chalked it up to my scattershot job search strategy which was fueled by the desperate need for a job, any job. While that was absolutely a factor, so was my drive to constantly gain more experience. Often bored with doing the same thing everyday, I pushed to learn, take on more work and bigger responsibilities. But eventually I’d start feeling stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be. Once I inevitably was back at the job search, I’d steer clear of anything too similar.  

Just like in my love life, playing the field helped me learn what I did and didn’t like.

Even once I decided to follow my passion for writing, I stumbled around trying my hand at anything that even seemed a bit interesting. Poetry and fiction have always been my favorite but not a likely way to make a living. Advertising and marketing seemed like a solid way to go for a while, but it felt soul sucking. Music journalism was fun, until it wasn’t. Freelancing seemed promising with freedom to write anything I wanted for any number of publications. Unfortunately, endless possibilities overwhelmed me to the point of complete indecision. Just like in my love life, playing the field helped me learn what I did and didn’t like. What happens if I make a commitment that ends up making me miserable? Personally, I’d rather keep my options open.

Yes, there are times, I get down on myself thinking I’d be further along if I’d committed to a single path. Usually, I can easily dismiss these thoughts. I’ve learned not to worry about being behind in life, because it’s not a real thing. But when I think of all the unfinished projects I have, it’s hard to be a little critical of myself. As the incomplete stories, unedited drafts and barely fleshed out ideas pile up they get overwhelming, and I get discouraged. I worry about not having anything to show for all my hard work. On the other hand, forcing myself to focus on one project at a time is an easy road to boredom, frustration and even more procrastination than usual. So, when the inner critic starts griping about my commitment issues, I tell her so what. Yeah, I got commitment issues, I got a whole lot of issues. But I’m happy in my chaos and that’s more important. I figure if my love life worked out okay–even managed a happy somewhat committed relationship–the professional and creative sides of life will turn out for the best too.

Do you have commitment issues?

How about it, do you have multiple works in progress, jungle different forms of creativity or speed date your way through jobs? Let me know how you manage the chaos and quiet the inner critic.