It could start with a crappy night’s sleep. I might wake up feeling sick or achy. And sometimes for absolutely no reason at all, I wake up in a crap mood with absolutely zero motivation to do a damn thing. A simple task turns into a complicated mess because nothing works like it should and even the tiniest minor inconvenience feels like a huge obstacle.
I pull out my journal, start writing about it. Thinking maybe if I spew all the negative thoughts out onto the page, I can force myself into a better mood. After ranting for half a page, I run out of steam and stare off into space. I decide I need a plan, a list of what I need to do today. Even better, a schedule to keep me on track. I start up the computer to check my calendar, switch over to skim emails, and somehow end up on Youtube. I look up surprised to see that half an hour has passed by. I’ve managed to copy two events from my calendar into my schedule, delete a few emails and list two things that I absolutely must do today. I try forcing myself to focus, but keep getting sidetracked and losing time.
The morning has slipped away. After sitting at my desk too long, my body is tense and stiff; stomach in knots because I waited too long to eat. Too overwhelmed to decide what to do, I choose nothing. Just thinking about attending events feels draining, despite not needing to leave the house. I decided to skip everything and give myself the day off to rest. But I don’t rest, I ruminate on all the things I should be doing. Or try working on small and easy tasks, bouncing back and forth because I can’t focus and everything feels like a waste of time and energy. By the end of the day, I’m exhausted but feel like I’ve done nothing.
There’s not much I can do to stop days like this from happening. Lately, they feel more frequent, with fewer good days between. I’m not sure if that’s true, I’m very aware of the negativity bias. Human instinct tells us to focus on the bad and the things that go wrong, in order to keep ourselves safe. We still haven’t evolved beyond our animal instincts, even though we are consciously aware of them. My fear is the same whether it’s caused by a life threatening situation or not being able to write. On the bad days, that fear keeps me stuck. And on the worst of the bad days sets me back.
I can’t force myself to have a good day. I wish I could. I’d love to believe in the power of positive thinking. I’ve tried it, sometimes it helps and other times it doesn’t do shit. I just have to get through the day and hope tomorrow is better. Bad days are going to happen, I just have to hope there are more good days.